10.3 Inner Excellence/ACT: Principles of Inner Excellence

[00:00:00] In this segment, Jim and I circuitously discuss some of the principles of

[00:00:05] Interexcelence outlined in his book. He talks about how every need is just a preference.

[00:00:11] We don't know what we need. We just know what we want. We talk about how challenges, if faced

[00:00:17] in an open and engaged way, can actually lead to future successes. And if we can suspend our

[00:00:24] judgments of how things are going in the moment, sometimes our judgments are completely incorrect

[00:00:32] or our judgments change over time. We outline this phenomenon using a Eastern philosophy parable

[00:00:38] talking about a wise farmer introduced to me by none other than Tom Brady. And finally Jim talks

[00:00:43] about a highly impactful personal experience with a homeless harpist and how that became

[00:00:51] one of the major focuses of his book. Let's dive in. Somebody get this guy some help.

[00:01:06] So Interexcelence has three principles and one of them is every need is just a preference.

[00:01:12] This might be helpful for listeners to apply to their lives. So I lead Interexcelence retreats

[00:01:17] around the world. One of the sessions, I share the sign in the monastery. There's a sign to

[00:01:22] guests and said if there's anything you need, just let us know. We'll show you how to get

[00:01:25] along without it. I've thought about that a lot since I saw that and I've realized that most of my

[00:01:31] life, I feel like I have needs throughout the day. And so what happens is I go about my day

[00:01:36] and I've got all these plans and then all these things happen that are different

[00:01:41] than my plans. And a lot of it is unwanted unexpected and then it can throw you off.

[00:01:46] So I want to live my day. I want to have this inner calm, this inner peace in my day

[00:01:50] unphased by my results and circumstances. So whether it's the flat tire, missing a free

[00:01:56] thrill like you said or anything like that, I want to have this peace and confidence,

[00:02:00] this equanimity that's not faced by what's going on in my outer world. And when I see is that

[00:02:06] in my life, I would think, okay, I need this or I need that. I need this person to be a certain

[00:02:11] way. I need the weather like I work with a lot of pro golfers and I need the weather to

[00:02:15] be a certain way. I don't want it to be windy and I slowly don't want a gust to happen just

[00:02:19] before I swing and I don't want anyone to talk in the middle of my backswing and I

[00:02:23] don't want anyone to move. I've got all these things. I don't do this,

[00:02:27] don't do that. I need things to be a certain way. That's what this principle comes from.

[00:02:31] You don't need those things. You think you do. You don't. Those are just your preferences.

[00:02:37] I've got to show you something because you talked about the weather. It's a little bit

[00:02:41] blurry. I apologize, but I use this with patients all the time. I don't like rain. I wish it

[00:02:46] wasn't raining, but my day would be better if it wasn't raining. My day is ruined every day.

[00:02:50] It's so like this. Why does it always rain when I want it to be sunny?

[00:02:54] That hit me like a ton of bricks when I first saw it. We find ourselves trying to control

[00:03:00] aspects of our life or our environment that we don't have control over it or we mentally

[00:03:07] commit that it is raining and then I can't do any of the things that I want to do and

[00:03:12] sometimes it stops raining. But if we're locked into that mindset, then we aren't able to get off

[00:03:17] the couch. We aren't able to go and do what's important to us in life. I love that because

[00:03:24] the other side of it is it's raining. Yep. I love that too. A lot of sports psychologists

[00:03:30] talk about acceptance. You got to accept what you don't want. I don't talk really about

[00:03:34] acceptance. I do have a principle. Like I said, Interexcellence has three principles.

[00:03:38] The first one is that everything is here to teach me and help me. It's all working for my good.

[00:03:43] This one applies to every situation, especially the ones that are unwanted and unexpected

[00:03:47] if you don't want to be raining. So it's not just okay, it's raining. This is fine. I can deal

[00:03:54] with it. That's not how we do it. It's tolerance. Yeah. We're not tolerating something. This rain

[00:03:59] is here to teach you and help you. It's for your good. Whatever is coming in your

[00:04:03] circumstance, this is here to teach you and help you. It's for your good. Like if

[00:04:06] you're a golfer, do you ever golf in the rain? Is it possible that the masters would be raining on

[00:04:12] Sunday and you're in the lead and you might want to get good at golfing in the rain or

[00:04:17] anything like that? You don't know what you need. All you know is what you want. You think,

[00:04:22] okay, I need these things a certain way and I want this. But no, those are preferences and

[00:04:27] what you want. You don't even know if that's the best thing for you. When you realize that

[00:04:31] even winning today or having a great game today, you don't even know if that's the

[00:04:34] best thing for you. Then things start to get a little different. It's not that like we talked

[00:04:38] about that black and white, yes and no, it has to be a certain way. Now the best performers

[00:04:44] that people have that have lived extraordinary lives, they understand that it's not this black

[00:04:49] and white thing good or bad like in putting it's very black and white for golfers. Either I

[00:04:54] made it or I missed either I went or I lose shooting or free throw good or bad. That's

[00:04:59] not how we see it with inner excellence. First of all, we don't judge good or bad and

[00:05:03] we don't know what's best for us. Maybe that mistake that you made is going to make you into

[00:05:08] the player that you need to become. And so our goal every day is to learn to grow and to get

[00:05:13] better today. And when we understand that I don't know what's best for me today and that

[00:05:18] all this, I have very strict routines and boundaries around my habits of thought and

[00:05:23] action, but when I can't do it, not only is it okay, that's how it's supposed to be today.

[00:05:28] Then we can start to develop this resonance around our lives without the

[00:05:31] neediness that can so easily flag us. Yeah, I think about being down 30 in the basketball game being

[00:05:38] eight over through three holes playing golf. You can be really down on yourself in those moments.

[00:05:44] But the alternative is to recognize that this is another opportunity to keep fighting. It's

[00:05:52] another opportunity to learn something being in a place that maybe you're not familiar being.

[00:05:58] If you can remain open and inquisitive, then even in the depths of despair in terms of your outcomes

[00:06:07] or in the worst game that you've ever played, you can still learn and improve yourself if you

[00:06:14] carry that curiosity inquisitive mindset with you. Those have been honestly some of my favorite

[00:06:20] rounds of golf when I start out and it's just, it's got awful. I can't even hit the ball and

[00:06:26] I'm struggling to make a double bogey. Then I get to the turn and I hit four pars in a row and

[00:06:32] all of a sudden you birdie number 10 and you're right back into it. But it's more, I think,

[00:06:36] rewarding to be able to fight back like that sometimes than even playing a clean round

[00:06:42] all the way through. One of the things that I think that you encounter a lot is anxiety. One

[00:06:47] of the problems that causes anxiety and one of the root causes is self-centeredness. This

[00:06:53] is the thesis of inner excellence is that self-centeredness, our preoccupation with ourselves

[00:06:57] is the biggest challenge we face in performance and in life because it leads to fear and anxiety.

[00:07:02] With the anxiety, it's this real everything revolving around you, around yourself. Anxiety

[00:07:08] is a mind that has too many concerns. What about this? What about that? Constantly checking

[00:07:12] the environment. Too many thoughts and so over analysis is one of the biggest challenges

[00:07:16] we face. The top three are negative thinking or judgmental thinking and then self-consciousness,

[00:07:21] concern for self. If we can make a knot about self, then that's huge because selfless is fearless.

[00:07:28] You can't get away from yourself. You can't get away from your mind. You can't ever be somebody

[00:07:34] else. There are major limits with comparing yourself to others. It's really futile in a

[00:07:40] lot of senses. Again, it's not going to prevent our minds from automatically going there,

[00:07:46] but I think it's up to our conscious selves to be able to reign that in and present the solution to

[00:07:53] your mind. Your mind will take note of it even if it doesn't say, oh, I hear you, Jim. Oh, I hear

[00:07:58] you, Ethan. I think there's evidence in that with… I love to use the example of playing a

[00:08:03] video game and you have played level 12 100 times and you just cannot figure out how to beat

[00:08:12] level 12 and move on. Hopefully, you don't throw the controller at the TV or break the game or anything,

[00:08:19] but you end up going away from it. You consciously disengage from it and then all of a sudden you

[00:08:26] come back to it a couple hours or a couple of days later and you start playing that same level

[00:08:32] and it's like there are new solutions that are available to you at the drop of a hat,

[00:08:37] but you didn't consciously think about those. The same thing I've heard musicians tell me in

[00:08:43] terms of being able to play a certain piece that they've never played before or in terms of our

[00:08:49] memory when we're sitting in a dinner party and talking about some public figure, somebody,

[00:08:54] oh, I can't remember their name and later that night you're laying in bed and it's,

[00:08:59] oh, it's Christopher Walken. That's right. We have this kind of almost supernatural ability

[00:09:05] inherent in all of us that if we present problems to our minds, our minds will come up with solutions

[00:09:13] to it. I can share a story with you. So I was playing chess with my uncle a few days ago.

[00:09:18] I'm pretty much a beginner chess player, but I enjoy it and I made this move where I was going

[00:09:23] to lose my queen. So you lose your queen, you're going to lose the game likely. And so I was,

[00:09:27] oh man, I can't believe I did that. Shoot. And so I kind of resigned like, yeah, I'm going

[00:09:32] to lose. And so I was like, don't give up. Just make sure you think it all through and look at all

[00:09:36] the possibilities. And then I was like, yeah, no, okay, gonna lose my queen. As soon as I moved

[00:09:41] that move. And then he's like, Jim, you could have saved your queen right there.

[00:09:45] And I was like, oh my gosh, how did I not see that? And it wasn't a complex move. It was pretty

[00:09:50] obvious. So why did I not see that? The reason I didn't see it is because I took it personal.

[00:09:57] I took that mistake personal. And here's what I mean. Now if you were playing chess and I

[00:10:02] was sitting right next to you watching you and you made that move, do you think I would have been,

[00:10:07] can't believe that happened? No, there would have been no emotional response on my part

[00:10:10] watching you. I would have been like, huh, wonder why I did that? Well, look at that move over there.

[00:10:16] But because of the emotional reaction, it limited my possibilities. And even though I spent

[00:10:21] probably four or five minutes reviewing, don't quit, my energy was not the same. And that's

[00:10:27] what Interexilence is about having this energy of possibilities and understanding you

[00:10:31] don't know what's possible in your life. And when you judge and overanalyze and are comparing,

[00:10:37] you're severely limiting your possibilities. And so we're constantly working to, like you said,

[00:10:42] refresh our minds and not make it about ourselves. And allow resonance to occur a little more

[00:10:49] naturally. And when you say resonance, I think that flow state, which again in golf or basketball,

[00:10:57] it's that ability to just be there and reacting to what's happening, not doing too much excess

[00:11:05] planning. I mean, there's a certain amount of executive functioning and planning that you have

[00:11:09] to engage in. But then there's got to be again, I always go back to that childlike ability to

[00:11:15] be 100% present in what you are doing. Being in that flow state, those are the best rounds

[00:11:22] of golf that I've ever played. And then when I start thinking, Hey, you're two under through 14,

[00:11:28] when the mind goes to the outcome, and I swear the whole act thing that hasn't made my life

[00:11:33] significantly better, it's certainly made my golf game a lot better. Because I still

[00:11:38] think about the outcome, but I know that consciously I need to work to get away

[00:11:42] from the outcome and just be, I'm curious, was there any type of experience in Arizona

[00:11:49] or anything that really shifted your perspective or mindset about what you were doing?

[00:11:54] Actually, there was something that dramatically changed my life. I went there in December of 2003,

[00:12:01] and then I was there two and a half years, then I went back to Vancouver, Canada, and the next two

[00:12:06] and a half years were writing the book from there. That was the lonely time every day was

[00:12:10] the same Friday night. The only difference was Sundays I'd go to church, but I was trying

[00:12:15] not socialize or date or anything. But the biggest thing that dramatically changed my life was 2010.

[00:12:21] I think of my life before 2010 and after 2010. So what happened was I'm in the desert,

[00:12:26] I'm putting together that manual on how to have peace and confidence under pressure,

[00:12:29] and that turned into these five years of full time writing and research.

[00:12:32] And through a series of little miracles, I meet a New York City literary agent,

[00:12:36] I get a major publisher against some bookstores around the world, including Barnes & Noble,

[00:12:41] but I had spent my life savings by now. I was $90,000 in debt. I'm in Denver, Colorado,

[00:12:47] and falling apart mentally. And it's not a surprise when you think that we're created for

[00:12:52] relationship. And when you isolate yourself especially for that long, and then like I said,

[00:12:57] it was not like I was on a deserted island or in the desert in a tapioque with no

[00:13:02] communication. I was in Tucson, but I was just focusing on myself and isolating myself.

[00:13:08] So I wasn't going into social engagements or anything. Looking back, it makes sense when you

[00:13:12] isolate yourself. The greatest punishment in prison is isolation. And so I was falling apart.

[00:13:19] I was thinking, okay, I'm $90,000 in debt. I put all my eggs in one basket. I've written this book.

[00:13:24] I wanted to write the best book that ever had been written on performance and how to have

[00:13:28] peace and confidence under the most pressure. I was asking sports psychologist,

[00:13:33] how can a major league baseball player, game seven in the world series, bottom of the ninth,

[00:13:38] full count bases loaded down by one? How can that guy have peace and confidence in that situation?

[00:13:44] And that just brought more questions than answers. And so I called another sports

[00:13:48] psychologist and another, and then I also asked, how can an Olympic athlete train for four years

[00:13:53] for an event that may last less than a minute and have peace and confidence in that situation?

[00:13:57] And that also brought more questions than answers. And so that was the five years of

[00:14:00] full time writing and research. And what I found through that is that the heart is the key to your

[00:14:04] life. The heart is the key to performance under the most pressure. And when I say hard, I mean your

[00:14:09] spirit. It's also the key to having the best possible life, which to me is a life of deep

[00:14:13] contentment, joy and confidence, no matter what, a life where you're filled with love,

[00:14:17] wisdom and courage or love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

[00:14:21] gentleness, self control, those sort of things. And so I'm in Denver, Colorado.

[00:14:27] In 2010, the book had just come out. I was falling apart. I was thinking, okay,

[00:14:33] yeah, the books and bookstores around the world, but I've got no money to hire someone to

[00:14:37] market the book for me. I don't know how to do marketing and I don't like

[00:14:39] promoting myself. So this is not a good marketing plan. And if no one hears about

[00:14:44] the book, no one's going to buy the book. If no one buys the book, then Mars and Noble

[00:14:47] will pull it off the shelves. And this could happen in a matter of weeks.

[00:14:50] And then Jim Murphy's life is over because everyone will know I'm a failure.

[00:14:55] And like you and I talked about before the show here are human natures to have this mind

[00:14:59] that is so black and white, these extreme thoughts. And it was out of control. I thought

[00:15:04] if no one buys the book, then they'll pull it off the shelf, then I'll be a failure.

[00:15:08] And I wrote the book so I could be a personal coach to pro baseball players and teach them

[00:15:12] how to have peace and confidence under pressure. But what pro baseball player is going to call

[00:15:16] a loser and say, Hey, will you coach me? That'd be dumb. And so I thought if that

[00:15:21] all happens, the books pull off the shelves and then I'm a failure, then I'm going to have to get

[00:15:24] a regular job. But in this market 2009, 2010, there's a recession. And in this economy,

[00:15:31] nobody's hiring failures. And so my mind was spinning out of control and it was saying,

[00:15:35] you're going to die homeless on the street. Actually, I called my friend, that guy Ricky

[00:15:40] that invited me to come to Tucson with him and start that baseball academy.

[00:15:44] I said, what do I do? And he said, find a homeless person and help him.

[00:15:47] And so I look around the corner and there's a homeless harpist. I don't know if you see

[00:15:51] a lot of those in Kentucky, but I'd never seen one before. This guy playing a full size harp and

[00:15:55] downtown Denver. I listened to him play this beautiful music and I looked at my wallet and

[00:15:59] I had maxed out most of my credit cards, but somehow I had $100. I must have taken a cash

[00:16:03] advance to have that much money in my wallet. And I took all that money and I gave it to the guy,

[00:16:08] the harpist, and then I left to go run on the treadmill to try and breathe and get through

[00:16:12] the day. And I come back towards the end of the day and sitting in the Starbucks just waiting

[00:16:15] for the day to get over and that homeless harpist walks in, walks past me, stops in his tracks

[00:16:20] and says, you're the guy that gave me that money. And I said, yes. And he turns around and he leaves

[00:16:24] and he comes back and he brings me a card that he bought, box of chocolates and a bracelet.

[00:16:29] And the card said, thank you so much for caring for me. Love Zoe. And Zoe was the focus of the

[00:16:35] book. Damn, that's power. That was my life was pre-Zoe and post-Zoe. It was where my life

[00:16:39] really started to turn around. Yeah, that's pretty incredible just to be able to step back

[00:16:46] and do that. And then probably 999 times out of a thousand, that person doesn't come back to you

[00:16:53] shortly after. And I can only imagine how impactful that was, especially after being isolated for

[00:17:01] so long. I think being isolated in a remote area is one thing, but being isolated when you're

[00:17:06] actually physically surrounded by people, I think that can take you to a whole another

[00:17:11] kind of level of loneliness sometimes. Yeah, like being in New York City or big city,

[00:17:16] you can really feel like everyone has all these great things going on in their lives,

[00:17:19] just like when you go on Instagram and I'm missing out. There's two things, the disappointment and

[00:17:24] the feelings that you feel for whatever you're going through. And then there's your judgment

[00:17:29] of it, which doubles the negative feeling. I can't believe I'm depressed. This is terrible.

[00:17:33] I shouldn't feel this way. I should be happy. And that makes it a lot worse.

[00:17:37] Yeah, I love how you talk about trying to suspend judgment. It's a concept that

[00:17:42] I'm very familiar with personally, trying to make sure that I suspend my mind's judgment. But I think

[00:17:48] our minds, they want answers. And a lot of times in life we don't have a concrete answer. We don't

[00:17:54] have a certainty. But our minds love to judge things as they happen. Tom Brady tells a

[00:18:01] phenomenal story about judging circumstances as they occur. I'll just give you the very paraphrased

[00:18:08] version. It's about a wise farmer that has a huge farm and one day one of his horses runs away.

[00:18:15] Tom Brady tells you this. Tom Brady, it was on that series on ESPN. This horse runs away from

[00:18:22] this farm and all the people working on the farm go to the farmer and they're like,

[00:18:26] we're so sorry this happened. This is horrible. You lost a horse. That's a lot of money and time

[00:18:31] and potential offspring. And the wise farmer who naturally has a chin beard that he strokes as he

[00:18:37] says, we'll see, we'll see. And then the next day the horse comes back and it brings with it

[00:18:43] eight wild horses doubling the size of his stable. And similarly everybody working on the

[00:18:49] farm says, oh my gosh, this is so lucky. This is such good fortune. And the farmer being wise and

[00:18:57] knowing not to judge the circumstances immediately says we'll see, we'll see. The next day his son

[00:19:04] is riding and trying to break in one of the wild horses trying to tame it. And he gets thrown

[00:19:10] off the horse and he breaks his leg. And again everybody rushes to, oh my gosh, this is horrible.

[00:19:16] Farmer says, we'll see, we'll see. The next day the national army comes in and they say we need

[00:19:22] every able bodied young man to come fight in this war for the country. The son who has

[00:19:28] a broken leg is not able to fight in the war. And again everybody rushes to that judgment.

[00:19:34] But the farmer throughout maintains suspending his judgment because he knows that the way that

[00:19:40] we judge things in the moment so often is drastically different from the way that we judge it

[00:19:47] a few hours or a few days or sometimes years later. Yeah, that's a powerful story. Thanks, Tom.

[00:19:53] Kind of the way human beings are is that most people spend most of their lives in judgment.

[00:19:59] And so when I say judgment, the way I define the term is to lay down a negative verdict

[00:20:03] about self circumstances or others. And so if we're thinking about using judgment in a positive

[00:20:09] way, I would use the word discernment. And so when I use the word judgment, it's laying down a

[00:20:13] negative verdict about myself or someone else or the circumstance. So in an accident, one of the

[00:20:19] primary components is to learn to be selfless and non-judgmental because selfless is fearless.

[00:20:25] And judging the circumstance self or others creates this negative energy within us that

[00:20:30] some goes to the person or circumstance that some stays within us and creates more

[00:20:33] self consciousness and instability within us every time we judge. When you're judging a situation

[00:20:38] your vision limits, your curiosity goes out the window and you lose sight of possibilities.

[00:20:44] We want to live a creative life and not a reactive life.

[00:20:48] Right. I mean, in my own experience with doing this podcast, I've had the idea for five years

[00:20:52] but I've only been working on it for a year and a half now because there was such fear of

[00:20:58] judgment. And I don't think if I didn't intersect with act therapy, I'm sitting down

[00:21:04] with patients as a first and second year training thinking, I have no freaking clue what I'm doing

[00:21:10] or what I'm supposed to be talking about. And that forced me down this path of finding a specific

[00:21:16] therapy and doing a lot of research on it on my own. And that opened things up for me. Working

[00:21:23] with these concepts, it requires work. It didn't happen immediately. But eventually I got to

[00:21:29] the point where it's not like I stopped judging. I can't control what my mind is doing necessarily,

[00:21:36] but I was able to consciously let go of the fear of judgment. And honestly with reading your book,

[00:21:43] it struck me so much reading about affluenza virus, which if you worship your beauty then

[00:21:50] you will die a thousand deaths of ugliness or very poorly paraphrased by me right there.

[00:21:55] And then I read the part, if you worship your intellect, you will always feel stupid. You will

[00:22:01] always feel like your opinion is not respected or like you're an imposter. And I'm like, whoa,

[00:22:06] that one cut deep. Yeah, David Foster Wallace, he's brilliant. Yes, absolutely. Letting go of

[00:22:13] that judgment and being curious about what I'm doing, it has been an absolute joy to

[00:22:20] sit down with so many different people and to continue to learn about what I will be doing for

[00:22:28] the rest of my life. And I think what comes with that is an openness. If you can suspend your

[00:22:33] judgment in the moment, almost automatically leads to a more open mind and the ability to

[00:22:40] consider a lot of different possibilities that otherwise you maybe would never

[00:22:46] have the fearlessness to go down those paths. Look at Tom's job, pretty high pressure job,

[00:22:52] right? You got these 300 pound guys running full speed trying to hit you as hard as they can.

[00:22:56] And so he's got to make a lot of quick decisions and he can't think negative obviously in those

[00:23:03] he's got to have a clear mind and unburdened heart. So there's a lot to get to that spot

[00:23:07] where you can be like that. Somebody get this guy some help.

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[00:23:48] related materials are meant only to educate. This information is not intended as a substitute

[00:23:52] for professional medical advice. While I am a medical doctor and many of my guests have

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[00:24:02] materials should be treated as a substitute for professional, medical or psychological advice,

[00:24:05] diagnosis or treatment. All listeners should consult with a medical professional,

[00:24:09] licensed mental health provider or other healthcare provider if seeking medical advice,

[00:24:12] diagnosis or treatment or put more simply, you need help like this guy. Call your own doctor.